Sunday, January 25, 2015

I think I Made a Mistake

Like I said before, Dating sucks.  I feel exposed and insecure all the time.  I feel like every decision I make, or everything that I do is under the microscope. Likely I am way over thinking things, like usual, but What if I am not.

I have a lot of what-ifs in my mind right now.  I'm worried I made a huge mistake telling people I was dating someone.  I'm worried its going to die out, and I'm gonna have to admit to yet another relationship failure. I guess my biggest worry, is what if this is going no where.  What if I invest all this time, and energy into something and it fails again...

I walked into this knowing that he wasn't ready for something epic. I knew that he is still dealing with the end of his last long term relationship. I knew, but I guess I thought that because I had no trouble moving on from my ending marriage, that it wouldn't be much different.  I forgot how long it took me to get my feet back under me after the breakdown of my relationship with Mark, oh yeah, and that everyone is different and deals with things differently, that's always important to remember too.

Then I get frustrated thinking that if he isn't ready for a real relationship, why the hell is he dating?  I get that being lonely sucks, and maybe its because I don't know how to date without a purpose, but why date someone if you don't want anything real?  If you just want company, there is a different term for that, and I for one, and not the kind of person that can do or be that for anyone.  We have had that talk.  The I have no interest in being someones "booty call" or "F**k Buddy" talk. He agreed that he wasn't interested in that either, but that doesn't leave me feeling any better.

Maybe I am the kind of person that needs a definition for everything.  Actually, I Am that kind of person.  I thought I could date someone and be totally okay with not being serious, but I'm starting to think that is not possible.  I don't know how to date without a purpose.  I don't know how to not invest myself completely in someone.  Part of that is because of who I choose to date.  I have never considered going on a date with someone who I don't see as a long term prospect.  Maybe that's my problem.  Insecurity Alert: What if he does, date people just because they are there, and not even considering if they are worthy of anything long term.....

I have to be extremely choosy in who I date.  Not only do I have very limited time to spend dating, so why would I waste it on someone who isn't top quality, but I have a child.  As much as I would love for Asher to stay completely uninvolved, its just not possible.  I have him almost 100% of the time.  I have to get babysitters, and I can't do that All the time, so sometimes people I date have to come over if we are gonna spend more than 1 evening a week together, and that means risk of meeting Asher.  That's why I can't just let anyone into my life.  I guess that's also why I am incapable of dating casually.

I have hardly dated because of how high my standards are, how high they have to be.  Even without Asher, it really wouldn't be any different. I am not a celibacy before marriage kind of person, so dating someone to me, means that at some point I am going to consider sleeping with them, which to me always follows with the thought that at some point I going to risk pregnancy with this person. That is a fear I have no matter how many forms of birth control are being used, so don't mistake it for me being irresponsible, because there is Always a risk no matter how safe you are.  So how do you date casually, when you would only date someone that you would consider sleeping with, and you would only sleep with someone if you think they May be worth the risk of getting pregnant?  You don't.

So there it is, my issue all layed out.  I can't date without being serious, but he can.  So here I sit, completely insecure, worried that things are going no where and I am going to end up disappointed and alone, Again. Yet the reason I am still sitting here, risking getting hurt for the potential of something great, is because I wouldn't waste my time on anyone who wasn't pretty great to begin with. Like I keep saying, Dating Sucks.

Saturday, January 24, 2015


Wow I remember way back when I was absolutely thrilled to reach 1000 views, now look at the count.  I am amazed.  I know that realistically most of that is spammed, cause man did I used to get a lot of spam comments before I upped the security a bit, but I am still amazed my blog has been opened 54000 times.

It should be no surprise that recently a few people who know me personally have stumbled upon my rants and raves.  It always makes me smile, and shiver at the same time.  This is me, as real as it gets, as open as I can be.  I try not to hold back, and to be honest it is really nice to have a place where I don't have to hold back.  I need this place.  I need a place to be able to release my thoughts however controversial they may be.  So for those that do know me, please understand that I need this, please don't let it change your opinion of me, at least not for the worse anyway.  The people I know who have found this site, I don't worry too much about, but I am sure others have found it too, that don't say hi.  For those of you, please say hi.  I am glad you found this piece of me.

In other news, I havre been dating that Awesome guy for a month, and I haven't scared him off yet, so I'm pretty thrilled with that.......

Monday, January 19, 2015

How to Survive a Birthday

If you read my last post, you know I was dreading my son's Birthday.  We have had a big party the last 2 years in a row, and this year, I really wasn't feeling it.  I hadn't planned anything, hadn't saved any money, and Asher was asking for a big party.  He wanted to have a party with his entire hockey team.  I was stressing out trying to make it work, or find a way out of a big party with out leaving him disappointed.  Well I did it.  I got out of the Party, and he had a Great Birthday.  Here's how:

A couple of weeks before his Birthday, I told him we could have a party, but our budget was $150.  I told him he had a couple options.  He could rent the Ice arena for $60 and buy food and cake with that money, and whatever was left he could buy a present with. Or option 2 he could spend all the $ on whatever he wanted and skip the party.  Take a guess which option he chose once the money was in his hands...

In the morning while he was at school, I went and bought him a present so he had something to open.  I used money my Dad sent him, and told him that was his present from Grandpa.  I bought a cake for later, and blew up a bag of balloons so our house felt a bit festive when we got home.  Then I picked him up from school, hit up Toys R Us (every kids favourite store). Next we then went out for dinner, to Boston pizza, his choice, where I had hoped they would sing him Happy Birthday when they brought out his cake that we ordered after he told them 20+ times it was his birthday, but they didn't (Fail Boston Pizza).
The night was finished off by inviting our cousins over for some cake and candles and some NHL 15 (Asher's new game)

When we sent everyone home, and he was on his way to bed, I asked him "how was your Birthday?"
"Great!" was his response.  

That's how you avoid a party, and still give your kid a great Birthday. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Do I or Do I not?

I've been working Crazy hours this week.  Switching back from days to nights to days.  Last night I did both: I worked 7 am -3pm came home and took Asher to Hockey, made supper, then back to work for 11 pm - 7 am.  Today I am paying for it.  My head won't stop pounding despite using all the tricks in my bag to relieve it.

Tomorrow is Asher's Birthday.  I don't know if it is because I am over tired, or if it is because my financial situation has been stressing me out for weeks, but I wish it wasn't his Birthday already. I am not prepared.  There are no plans, no cake, no presents, nothing.  Part of me feels like I am a terrible mom for not getting this all planned out months ago like I usually do, but then there is the other side of me that thinks the spoiled kid had a big party last year and the year before, why does a kid need a huge party every year.

This whole parenting thing is so filled with guilt. Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.  If I don't make a big deal of his birthday, he will be disappointed.  If I do make a big party, he'll continue to expect a big do every year, I'll spend more money than I can afford, and it still won't be great because it is all last minute.

I guess I will let you know tomorrow what I decided on.  Which parenting failure I choose.... Stay tuned.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Dating.... AGAIN

WARNING: my spell check isn't working.  SORRY in advance!

So I finally jumped off the cliff AGAIN! Maybe its not a cliff, but it seriously feels like it sometimes, like your diving head first into an abyss.  You never know what your gonna get, you know from that box of chocolates.  Is it appropriate to blog lol??  Cause my Forest Gump reference made me giggle.

Moving on, so I'm dating again.  Dating is A LOT of work.  Theres so much prep involved and talk about STRESS!  So much pressure to wear the right thing, perfect hair, perfect makeup, don't forget to shave, oh and then there's the babysitter issue.... Super awkward to pre-plan an end time so your sitters parents know what time to expect them home.  Then depending how the date goes you get home hours earliuer than anticipated, or wish you could stay out later.  Its almost like dating as a teen, just a million times more awkward.

Its even awkward when the guy is Amazing!  How fair is that.  Then its 1000 times more intimidating, and the pressure and pre-date stress increases too.  Don't want to do the wrong thing, or make the wrong comment.  Talk about work, say enough to make it sound interesting, but try not to go so fasr as to make them gag.  Its a hard line to know before you cross it, because that line is different for everyone.  I pretty much always drive straight across THAT line.... OOPS...

So yeah, dating sucks and its stressful, but you already knew that.  What you didn't know is that I met a Great guy. Once who is passionate about more than just money.  Someone who knows how to enjoy life and balance work ( or appears to anyway).  Somone who enjoys doing all the things that in my mind all men should (Ideally anyway).  I could rave on and on, but hey, this is public, and since i totally admitted to googling him, I doubt it would take much for him to do the same and find my little slice of inner truth......

I'm only about 2n weeks in and 4 dates.  So its not unusual to either be smitten or running at this point. I'm not running yet.  I'm hopeful for at least having someone to enjoy some time with. I'm not sure if I ever expect to find someone I'm gonna spend m life with, but I think I have found someone I can spend the next while with and enjoy life right now.  BEsgt part is, this is the first person I have met in a long time if not ever, where I haven't had any RED flags go up as I get to know them.

I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Being a Nurse

I love being a nurse.  I am so glad that I decided to go back to school and follow this path.  I learn something new about health care and about myself on a daily basis at work.  I'm an overachiever, or at least I like to think of myself that way.  I like to get credit for the things that I do.  Yesterday I had one of those moments where I learned something new about myself.  .

One of my clients has had a chronic health complaint that we have investigated with no results and then written off over and over as a behavior.  That's what happens, when you can't fina a physical or medical explanation for a health complaint in mental health (maybe everywhere), it gets written off as a behavioral issue.  A co-nurse once mentioned another avenue to check out as a possible source of the issue, a medication with adverse effects that may be the reason for our client feeling chronically unwell.  No one, including the nurse who suspected it, ever got the ball moving and the Dr's involved. It was just casually mentioned one day, and left to be forgotten.  I took the idea to heart.  I'm tired of writing off my clients complaints as behavioral, and so I did my own research on this med and its side effects, and althogh it seemed a bit of a long shot, but its possible that it could be the issue.  When someone isn't feeling well for a long period of time, sometimes you need to grasp at those unlikely straws because there even when a side effect is rare occurrence, someone had to have experienced that side effect for it to be written as a possible outcome in the research.  So I decided to get the bal rolling myself.

I brought it up to one of the RN's that I work with, one of my mentors, who seemed to agree with me that it was worth a shot at convinving the Dr to try the client on an alternative medication so we could see if the health complaint would be relieved.  Later I heard the RN peaking to another RN about the information that I had brought up to her, and listening to her I felt a twinge of of something not good inside when it sound like she had thought of trying this change all on her own.  It was only for split second, but I felt a tiny bruise on my big ego, which knocked some sense into me as I realized how utterly stupid that was.  I realised in that moment, that my client was getting 1 step closer to a possible treatment.  In that moment I realized that although yes I am an overachiever who likes credit and pats on the back, the final outcome that may help my client is so much more important that a stroke to my ego.  If my client gets an alternative treatment that makes them feel better, that's what is important.  Who cares who's idea it was or who pushed it through the chain of command to get it done.  The client and them getting what they need, or at least a chance at a better outcome is all that really matters to me at the end of the day. Knocking one more possible cause of a health concern off the list, or even better, finding a solution for their ailment is the ultimate reward, its the best part of being a nurse.

In the end I know I advocated for my client, I know I had a part to play in them getting closer to feeling better.  I know and that's enough for me.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Its Beginning to look a lot like.....

I finally got off my bum and pulled out the Christmas tree.  Now that it is up, i have no idea why I was dreading pulling it out. I always put it off thinking that it will be so much work.  It really wasn't.  The putting it down is a lot of work, but for now we can sit back and enjoy the lovely christmassy atmosphere it provides.  
Asher and I spent the afternoon decorating our tree and listening to Christmas music.  I'm normally not a Christmas music person, but we found a playlist that was the music to classic Christmas tunes, with no tone deaf kids singing too it, so we sang when when knew the words, and just enjoyed the music to the ones we didn't.

It was a beautiful afternoon spent together.  I'm finally in the Christmas spirit (sorta).  

Have you decorated your tree yet?

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