Friday, February 27, 2015

Another One Bites the Dust

Wow, Go ME! I struck out Again! I feel completely defeated at the moment. Things fell apart pretty Quickly with Mr. It went from meeting my son to over and done in 2 weeks flat.

We hadn't talked in almost a week and while I knew things were done, I needed closure.  So this morning I broke the silence and asked:

 "How did we go from you saying you wanted to see me last week to not talking this week?"

His reply was this:

"I'm sorry, I wanted to talk to you in person, this week has been screwed up for me, after dealing with my friends issues I've been doing some thinking, and I really am not ready for getting into a complicated relationship right now, I really need to get my head straight and it's not fair to you to keep going on as we have, I know we said we would keep it fun, and we're just dating with no expectations of more now, but I've already thought of what that would be like if it was more... and I'm not ready for that, Asher is a great kid, and your an awesome mom! I'm just not comfortable with being in that picture yet. I'm sorry."

This came as absolutely no surprise besides the major run on sentence, the poor grammar, and incorrect use of "your" instead of "you're", that surprised me from a university graduate.  he rest wasn't new news.  You see I was dumb enough to date someone who hasn't even been a year out of a decade long relationship.  I was dumb enough to think and say that I could do "not serious". I even tried to convince him that I had no expectations at the same time trying to convince myself that I wasn't falling for him head over heels.  

I could read into the message looking for subtext and get a million different conclusions, but from what I know of him, he doesn't talk or text in subtext, so I will save myself the anguish and take him at his word.  Dating me is too complicated.  He's not interested or ready for an instant family, and how can I blame him for that.  

I could kick myself for all the dating rules I broke, and there are many, or I can just let go and move on. I'm going to do my best to do the latter.  I'm sad, and disappointed, but only because i fooled myself. I walked into that "relationship" blindfolded by my own ignorance, he told me exactly what he could offer, and I pretended that would be enough.  I secretly hoped because he seemed so right, that he would see and feel that too, and that the not being ready for a relationship, the not being ready for anything serious would magically melt away.  

On the plus side I learned a few things I can add to my belt. I learned that I can't "just date" anyone.  I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which I knew but tried to convince myself otherwise.  I learned that 6 weeks-2 months is too soon to bring someone into my world, and that bringing someone in that isn't begging to be let in, is a bad idea.  Lastly I learned that not only are there good guys still out there, but that I can pick good guys as well, because even if this didn't go the way I wanted it to, him even taking the time to talk to me today about it, shows me he is who I thought he was, and he's not a bad guy at all, he's just not my guy. 

Or not, but you get the point. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Stay at Home Mom for a Week

Asher and I had a week off together for the first time since last July. People asked me what my plans were for the week, and I was a little embarrassed to admit that I had none.  I made no effort to plan anything for the week.  We had a few obligations like any other week, such as hockey and my weekly Chiropractor appointment, but other than that we had 7 wide open days and nights.  All in all I think that we made the most of it.  Sure there are something I wish we would have done, but I think I got exactly what I needed out of this week. 

We started off with a trip out to my home town, where I had a night of reminiscence with a couple of old friends.  I visited through the night with someone I haven't seen in 7 years.  We have talked about getting together for over a year, but we never had days off at the same time until now. I even got to visit with an old High School boyfriend (no regrets with that one ending lol).  

My mom was nice enough to have Asher for the night, but the next morning when I got him, our issues that had been escalating for some time broke free, and you can read all about that in my last post if your looking for some drama.  That event lead me to call another friend who that I hadn't seen in a while, a friend who has always been a great source of encouragement and support for me since my High School days.  

I took Asher over and we spent the afternoon and evening venting and visiting.  She was always a good sounding board for me when it came to issues with my mom, she understands me and my relationship with my mom better than anyone I know.  It makes me pretty emotional to realize that there is someone out there that really gets me, and still cares about me faults and all.  The last few months, this friend has really been encouraging to me when I feel down or unlovable, and she really helps me out with a reality check when I need it. So our chat really helped me turn a terrible stressful day into a very fulfilling and good day where I walked away feeling understood and cared about.  Pretty important feelings.  

Tuesday was an impromptu hockey practice since Monday was a holiday.  Asher invited a friend over and they spent the afternoon playing video games.  He is always so happy when someone wants to come over, and it made me so happy that they were able to get along. I worry about Asher socially some times, I worry that he hasn't learned how to be a good friend, and often he feels left out especially in groups of other kids, so play dates that go well are always hope for me that things aren't as bad as I worry they are. 

After that I had an CPR course, it was short and sweet.  I learned a number of valuable things, which usually surprises me because Ive taken CPR at least 6 times.  There were a few mock situations we talked through were I re-evaluated how I handled a similar situation, and realized a better way to handle it next time.  I'm learning that as much as I always thought I was good in high stress situations, I am really not, I start to freeze up, and that is really scary to me, so the more experienced I get, and the more I learn, the better it will be in the future.  

Wednesday after my chiro appointment we went out to my aunts house for a visit.  When i first moved out here in 2010 I spent a lot of time there.  My aunt is a great sounding board when it comes to family or boy issues, so I very much appreciate how close they live.  It worked out well because her grand kids were there for Asher to play with, and I was barely able to get him to leave hours later.  
Thursday was a day of rest.  I think we only got dressed late in the day to enjoy the Sunshine and play at the park.  I had to drag Asher out of the house, because he was loving all the video game time, and most times when he goes to the park, there aren't any kids there.  Thankfully there were a few kids out this time, and he played for an hour or so before it started getting cold and we went back home.  

Friday we had a hockey game, so it was off to another town, 45 minutes away.  It was a good game, our kids worked hard, but were not able to keep up.  It was our last league game before play offs.  I am ecstatic and sad to say that Hockey is almost over for the year.  It has been a great season, and to be honest I lasted way longer this season enjoying it than last year. I am pretty sure that is thanks to the Awesome group of hockey moms on our team.  I feel like I have finally made some close friends here, and it makes me sad that next year we will probably end up spilt up more.  

Saturday was another home day until the evening hit.  I had a friend invite me out for dinner and drinks.  I had to giggle when she wanted to meet at 430 pm.  Can you tell we are moms?  We had a really good time venting about work and men.  It was nice to get out of the house and dress up a little.  My only complaint was I live 30 minutes away and had to stay sober enough to drive home safely, with no cabbing it option.  It also ended way too early, but that's what happens when your up all night the night before with a baby.  I have to say, I don't miss those nights.  

 Today is another rest day.  I'm actually more lethargic than I would like to be. I'm not sure if I am actually not feeling well, or if I have spent too much time int he darkness of my room.  I'll work it out because this is my last day of leisure.  Tomorrow it is back to work.

Its been a great week.  I spent lots of quality home time with Asher.  We played games, baked, and cleaned together.  We also had some times to just laze around which doesn't happen often enough with our schedules.  I am so glad I decided to take these days off and that we didn't over plan them. 


Thursday, February 19, 2015

Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

If you didn't get the hint by me walking out of your house last weekend, while you sat in your chair saying how offended you were by me wanting you more involved in my life, I thought I would take the time to make it crystal clear what exactly that meant so there is no future confusion.

I thought that I wanted you in my life, but after our conversation I have realized that what I want, and what you can give, is not going to make either of us happy. I also realized that that is okay. I know it is okay because the past few months that you have not been involved in my life have been quite peaceful, and to be honest whenever you are involved in my life it is always stressful. I have enough stress in my life, so really your doing me a favor by not wanting to come visit me or see my son play sports.

After you told me how unreasonable it is that I would like you to come visit me some times I realized that that may be true.  I mean I completely understand that because you were unhappy when you lived here, in the town that I now live in, that you don't feel comfortable here 25 + years later. I'm sure the whole 5 years you lived here were pretty traumatic. I did offer to meet you in the city near by, but although you can travel there for Botox appointments, catch ups with your equine loving friends, and to see my step sister, you did tell me that you really don't like that city either, so I can see why its not worth it for you to come. I mean you don't really have time anyway between your mule training and your job that you quit about a year ago, you must be so busy these days. Its okay I get it, I know what it is like to be busy: between my jobs and being a single parent to a kid in hockey and all, I totally get what busy is like.

I do want to thank you for all you have done for me, for helping me become the person I am today. I would not be the strong, independent and successful single mother I am without you. I could list all the ways that you have helped me me become this way but you'll likely be offended by what I have to say, and I am done watching you play victim. So we will leave it a thanks you, because without you being the unstable and harsh person you are, I would not fought so hard to be unlike you.

You were jealous that I didn't reach out to you when I gave up on our relationship like I did with my Dad. You even started a fight with me over it when I came to visit you this weekend. I tried to explain that I knew it was pointless to get into it with you, I tried to stop the fight repeatedly, but you couldn't let go.  So here it is.  I tried to keep it simple for you.

I'm done.  I'm done with your drama, I'm done letting you sabotage my relationship with my step father whining to me that he thinks his kids are better than yours and making that my problem.  News flash, that's how parents are supposed to feel about their kids, double news flash, Maybe they are better? I am done keeping secrets about your Man drama. I am done trying to make a relationship work with someone who only care about themselves.  Yes I truly see why you felt so victimized by me expecting you to care about anyone other than yourself, because that is not in your nature, how cruel of me to ask for something so normal.  Don't worry, I won't make that mistake again, like I said, I'm done.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dating with an 8 Year old - A Little Overwhelming

So I told you that the guy I am dating was coming to Asher's hockey game and then I promised I would tell you how it went.  So here is what happened that day, I'll let you be the judge of how it went...

Mr showed up part way through the game, Asher saw him in the stands beside me and waved like mad man until Mr waved back.  When the game was over, instead of following his team to the dressing room, Asher ran over to us, and asked Mr "Can you come to my house after?" I told him that we would talk about it after he was undressed but he kept repeating himself, excited and talking over me, he kept pleading for Mr to come over.  I took him to the dressing room and helped him undress, and when he was mostly done, I told him to meet me out front.

I had a few things to pick up from our raffle table that Asher and I had won, so Mr followed me up to the concession area where a few of the Moms had been manning the table.  I tried to warn him before we went up there that there may be people waiting to meet him. I did give him the option not to follow, but he was brave enough to come with me. That part actually went really well, or at least I will say that because one of the Mom's from Asher's team has found my blog....

Once Asher was changed we headed out the car, where Asher repeatedly invited Mr to come back to our house. I was trying to re-direct him so we could go to town for supper between games as I thought that might be les intimidating, but Asher really wanted to invite him over to play video games.  I let Mr decide, he picked our house.  As soon as he did Ash ran to the car and opened the front door saying "You can have the front seat, I'll ride in the back!"  When Mr told him that he had his own car that he would drive, Asher shut the door and ran to his side. I told Ash to get in the car and he said "I'm riding with him!" I saw a shot of pure panic on Mr's face as he said "You better ride with your mom, I'll meet you there."

When we got to my house, Asher waited outside for Mr to arrive.  I thought about making him come inside so as not to overwhelm Mr too much, but in the end I decided to leave Asher be because I hadn't seen him this excited about a person coming over before.  Asher drug him inside and to the couch telling him all about his favorite video game.  Soon he had a controller in Mr's hands and was teaching him the very basics of Minecraft.  We ordered pizza and I left them to play while I picked it up. It seemed to be going pretty good.

While they were playing Asher said to him "Mark, come over here" talking about the game, I had to correct him because that is not Mr's name, it's actually my ex fiance's name (AWKWARD!), Asher's response to me was "Well he looks like Mark!" then he turned and looked Mr in the face and said to him "You really do look like Mark." SUPER AWKWARD.  My only response was "I guess I have a type.." and we left it a that.

In between games Mr ran into town to get a few things, and arrived for the next game just as it was starting.  It was nice to have him there, partly because he was really warm, and spending the day at the arena leaves you deadly cold, but also because it meant that Asher and I hadn't scared him off yet.  Our second game was a lot more intense.  There were parents yelling, and the game was really close.  Our kids were working really hard.  My favorite part of the game though, was hearing Mr encourage my son as he played, cheering him on.  Quickest way to melt a Mom is through her child...

The game itself was great. I have a cousin with a son on our team, and so she and Mr met on the bleachers, at one point her Dad came by and also introduced himself.  It was a little awkward but went fine.  After the game, once Asher had all his equipment off he ran out of the dressing room to Mr. As they followed behind me through the arena, I could hear Asher peppering him with questions "Can you come back to our house now?" "Can you come sleep over?" I couldn't really hear what Mr responses were, but I stayed out of it and left him stuttering a bit. I didn't really know what to say, I was in shock at how interested Asher was in him, and how much he wanted his attention.

As we were leaving my Aunt and her family were sitting by the door.  I had avoided introducing Mr at the first game, but figured after already meeting my cousin and my uncle, it was only fair that I also introduce my Aunt.  As I introduced her I realised it would be weird if I didn't introduce all my family that was standing there, and so I rattled off a list of names including my Aunt, 2 cousins, a cousin's husband, and 3 kids.  Mr politely said hi, and I tried to hurry us out to the door.  Apparently I wasn't quite quick enough because Asher started with the questions again.  Just as I opened the door I could hear behind me "Will you sleep over at my house?", "Do you sleep in your jocks or naked?" (Asher calls underwear jocks).  Mr was too shocked to respond but I heard another mom say "He's taking a poll" and laugh and then Asher replied "I sleep in my jocks!"

Mr later told me he was completely overwhelmed not only Asher's questions but by meeting so many of my family members. It also didn't help that Asher asked if he slept naked in front of my family. I tried to re-assure him that it didn't matter, that those who know Asher, know that's just Asher, and everyone else, who cares, we won't see them again.  He made a good point though in saying that he had been worried about what people thought of a kid asking a man to sleep over, and if he slept naked.  I get the awkwardness, but as one of Asher's coaches put it "Asher's just Asher."

Mr actually came back to our house after that.  I was a bit surprised.  To be honest I was surprised he didn't run after the first visit at our house between games. I was really glad that he didn't run, though I'm not so sure I wouldn't have if the situation was reversed.  He didn't sleep over, so Asher wasn't able to find out if he sleeps in jocks or naked, but he did spend the evening with me after Asher went to bed.

So I am not sure if he will ever venture to the hockey rink with us again, but I can say that he did come back to our house a few days later. All in all it was a pretty crazy day.  A little overwhelming to say the least.

Friday, February 6, 2015

A Big Step in the Right Direction

Dating as a Mom is Terrifying.  Not only do you have all the usual dating stress, but dating as a Mom has a whole additional layer of stress.  For example there is the lack of free time to even go on a date, then there is the whole "when do they meet you child" thing.

The limited time thing doesn't really bother me now that Asher is older, I like my life and how busy we are, and I don't feel bad getting a sitter when I need one so that I can go out.  The involving Asher thing causes me a lot more stress.  I try to look at it from the point of view that I introduce Asher to lots of people, male and female, and I don't see why meeting the person I am dating would be anything different than meeting one of my friends. So the meeting Asher thing isn't a huge issue. The stress for me begins at the spending time together, the person I am dating and Asher. How soon is to soon?

Its such a loaded question because while you don't want to involve your child unless you think the relationship is going somewhere, but at the same time how can you determine if the relationship really has any momentum without knowing what the person you are dating is like around your child? How Asher acts or reacts to them, I'm not really concerned. To me its more important that they are interested in Asher, in getting to know him, and are kind to him. So without seeing how they are with Asher, how do I judge if they are a keeper or not??

So far the man I have been dating, I'll call him Mr (for lack of anything more creative), has met Asher.  He has met him twice, briefly and both kind of by surprise.  Mr made it clear that he had never dated any one with a child before, and that he was a little apprehensive about it.  That has always had me a little on edge, though I completely understand where he is coming from, I kinda feel the same way myself about the idea of dating someone else with kids.  Anyway they have said hi to one another, but that was pretty much it, and the first time, it was as we were walking away from the house on a date, and Asher flung open the door and said "My mom told me you were scared to meet me!"  That was a Little awkward to say the least, because it embarrassed him (Mr not Asher), and that pretty much sums up their communication thus far.

We've been dating 5 or 6 weeks now, which when I say it out loud sounds like a very short time, but living it, it has felt like I have known him for a long time.  He's a really great guy, it kind of amazes me that he's dating me(not that I don't think I am worth a good guy, I know I am, its just refreshing to meet a nice guy because I have waded through a ton of losers to find him).  With that being said, his lack of interest in Asher has kind of worried me.  I talk about Asher a lot, being my only child and the person my life has been built around, and while he always listens to what I say about Asher and acts interested, I haven't really noticed him ask anything unprompted about Asher, or to learn more about Asher.  To be honest I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, or if it even matters.  This whole dating thing is so complicated.

I guess the my worrying about him being uninvolved or uninterested in Asher is a mute point because he is coming to Asher's hockey tournament tomorrow.  I have to say I am thrilled, and panicked at the same time.  Thanks to a few of the lovely Mom's on Asher's team, I got the push I needed to invite him.  Its not that I haven't invited him before, but this time I didn't do it knowing he was already busy.  He didn't say yes right away, but asked when the games were and said he could probably come, then today asked if he could come with me, and set a time to come over and properly meet Asher first, and then head to the game with us.

I'm excited, thrilled and anxiety ridden all at once.  I'm looking foreword to it.  Hope it all goes well.  I love watching Asher play, I hope Mr enjoys it as well, or at least enjoys being there. I'll let you now how it goes, unless you're there, and then you'll know when I know....

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I think I Made a Mistake

Like I said before, Dating sucks.  I feel exposed and insecure all the time.  I feel like every decision I make, or everything that I do is under the microscope. Likely I am way over thinking things, like usual, but What if I am not.

I have a lot of what-ifs in my mind right now.  I'm worried I made a huge mistake telling people I was dating someone.  I'm worried its going to die out, and I'm gonna have to admit to yet another relationship failure. I guess my biggest worry, is what if this is going no where.  What if I invest all this time, and energy into something and it fails again...

I walked into this knowing that he wasn't ready for something epic. I knew that he is still dealing with the end of his last long term relationship. I knew, but I guess I thought that because I had no trouble moving on from my ending marriage, that it wouldn't be much different.  I forgot how long it took me to get my feet back under me after the breakdown of my relationship with Mark, oh yeah, and that everyone is different and deals with things differently, that's always important to remember too.

Then I get frustrated thinking that if he isn't ready for a real relationship, why the hell is he dating?  I get that being lonely sucks, and maybe its because I don't know how to date without a purpose, but why date someone if you don't want anything real?  If you just want company, there is a different term for that, and I for one, and not the kind of person that can do or be that for anyone.  We have had that talk.  The I have no interest in being someones "booty call" or "F**k Buddy" talk. He agreed that he wasn't interested in that either, but that doesn't leave me feeling any better.

Maybe I am the kind of person that needs a definition for everything.  Actually, I Am that kind of person.  I thought I could date someone and be totally okay with not being serious, but I'm starting to think that is not possible.  I don't know how to date without a purpose.  I don't know how to not invest myself completely in someone.  Part of that is because of who I choose to date.  I have never considered going on a date with someone who I don't see as a long term prospect.  Maybe that's my problem.  Insecurity Alert: What if he does, date people just because they are there, and not even considering if they are worthy of anything long term.....

I have to be extremely choosy in who I date.  Not only do I have very limited time to spend dating, so why would I waste it on someone who isn't top quality, but I have a child.  As much as I would love for Asher to stay completely uninvolved, its just not possible.  I have him almost 100% of the time.  I have to get babysitters, and I can't do that All the time, so sometimes people I date have to come over if we are gonna spend more than 1 evening a week together, and that means risk of meeting Asher.  That's why I can't just let anyone into my life.  I guess that's also why I am incapable of dating casually.

I have hardly dated because of how high my standards are, how high they have to be.  Even without Asher, it really wouldn't be any different. I am not a celibacy before marriage kind of person, so dating someone to me, means that at some point I am going to consider sleeping with them, which to me always follows with the thought that at some point I going to risk pregnancy with this person. That is a fear I have no matter how many forms of birth control are being used, so don't mistake it for me being irresponsible, because there is Always a risk no matter how safe you are.  So how do you date casually, when you would only date someone that you would consider sleeping with, and you would only sleep with someone if you think they May be worth the risk of getting pregnant?  You don't.

So there it is, my issue all layed out.  I can't date without being serious, but he can.  So here I sit, completely insecure, worried that things are going no where and I am going to end up disappointed and alone, Again. Yet the reason I am still sitting here, risking getting hurt for the potential of something great, is because I wouldn't waste my time on anyone who wasn't pretty great to begin with. Like I keep saying, Dating Sucks.

Saturday, January 24, 2015


Wow I remember way back when I was absolutely thrilled to reach 1000 views, now look at the count.  I am amazed.  I know that realistically most of that is spammed, cause man did I used to get a lot of spam comments before I upped the security a bit, but I am still amazed my blog has been opened 54000 times.

It should be no surprise that recently a few people who know me personally have stumbled upon my rants and raves.  It always makes me smile, and shiver at the same time.  This is me, as real as it gets, as open as I can be.  I try not to hold back, and to be honest it is really nice to have a place where I don't have to hold back.  I need this place.  I need a place to be able to release my thoughts however controversial they may be.  So for those that do know me, please understand that I need this, please don't let it change your opinion of me, at least not for the worse anyway.  The people I know who have found this site, I don't worry too much about, but I am sure others have found it too, that don't say hi.  For those of you, please say hi.  I am glad you found this piece of me.

In other news, I havre been dating that Awesome guy for a month, and I haven't scared him off yet, so I'm pretty thrilled with that.......
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