Saturday, July 18, 2015

Dating Insecurities

I did not realize how much the past was going to continue to affect me.  I never thought that 2 years after the fact, that the circumstances around my previous breakup would still haunt me. 
It has never been a question to me that whomever I date if things get serious, that they have to get along with Asher. I can accept that they may not be the best of friends and that they may always have struggles because that is the only step-parent dynamic that I have ever witnessed. Regardless of that if he makes them crazy, it can't work, if they can't eventually care about him and accept him, it can't work.  Asher comes first.

 I know it is very hard to care for a child that isn't yours and that is why I have never dated anyone with kids. I don't know if I could do it.  So I get that I am asking for something entirely one-sided, but that's the price of dating a mom.

My last real relationship ended in significant part because of a relationship struggle with Asher and Mark.  It was quite the shock because they got along so well for so long.  I always thought that the decline of their relationship was because I did not have enough time for either of them during school. This caused Asher to lash out at him, and him to become worn down, and frustrated with Asher and eventually just done with us.  But what if that wasn't it?  I really don't know what it is, that is just a guess.  What if it happens again.

I don't want to fall for someone just to watch them walk away for any reason, but mostly because they struggle with my child.  I worry that I am doing something wrong as a parent, when I think about the possibility of another man being unable to bond with my son. Then there is the fact that he is so much like me, that reminds me if they can't stand him, why would they be with me when we are two of the same?

Now don't get me wrong, the EMT and I are not at this point, but I noticed this week that the fear that it might become an issue was creeping into my mind. This me very insecure and on edge.  The EMT has not been anything but kind to Asher, but I worry that because he hasn't been around a lot of older kids that he won't ever understand Asher. What if he expects too much from him and get frustrated.  I worry about everything.  It seemed so much easier when Asher was little and cute, but I guess from how that went, it wasn't.

A good friend reminded me last night, "don't be scared...have fun and enjoy...don't worry about what comes next....If you really like each other, then it will be good!!" Sometimes I just need a reminded to relax and let things happen.  Worse comes to worse, it ends, I'm sad, and Asher and I carry on. Best case scenario, the fun times continue because this EMT, he's pretty fun to be with.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Back from the Books

So I told you before that I signed up to begin my bachelor degree in Nursing. I am just over the half way through my first semester and already I am dragging my butt. It is so hard to stay focused on the boring material.  I am really not a fan of the supplementary courses that they force you to do to get a degree. Currently I am working on Basic Statistics, Basic Critical Thinking, and Introductory Psychology. I can see the relation to nursing with psychology, I can even grasp and say that I see a use for understanding statistics, and in theory Basic critical thinking is essential for nursing.  Unfortunately, this isn’t your typical critical thinking, this is all about reading and writing critically.  Again I do see how this can be useful, but the program I am in is for actively practicing LPN’s who should already know how to read and write critically from their diploma program.  I graduated my diploma with honors, I managed to read and write critically just fine and I find this course a complete waste of my time and money, and most of all my energy.
I like the idea of being back in school, of working towards a better future, but man is it hard to stay focused and motivated.  Thankfully I have a pretty great guy right now spurring me on as well as the gloom of student finance to be accountable to.  So this is why I am never here, I’ve been struggling to find a balance between work, and school, Asher, and dating.  I haven’t quite got that figured out yet. In the mean time, I am off work for a week, and I am enjoying some time to catch up on a bit of everything. 

Oh and we got a puppy names Mya! that hasn't helped much with my time management either....


Thursday, May 21, 2015


I wanted to share this image and the message within it, but its so small its hard to read, so I'll quote it.

"It's scary to find someone that makes you happy. You start giving them all your attention because they make you forget everything bad in your life. They're the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last before you sleep.It all sounds great to have that someone, but its scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that away too when they go."

I put this together about a week ago but was too scared to share it.  Time to let go.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Infatuation or Love

I've been thinking about this a lot lately: the difference between infatuation or love. I've been trying to analyze my feelings before I say something I don't truly mean. I am one of those people that falls hard and fast.  I'm pretty much always the first to say "I love you" in a relationship, but looking back I don't think that I ever said it to anyone where I did not truly mean it.

It's different now.  As I get older, as I experience more adult relationships, there's so much more risk involved.  Saying I love you is so much scarier, and you really have to be sure you mean it because the other person will surely call you on it if they have the slightest doubts. This time I want to be really sure.  I want to be so sure, that I don't even need to say it because they already know.  I want to find someone to share my life with, my child with and my future with, but I don't want to rush into anything without my eyes wide open.

So like I said I have been seriously evaluating my feelings.  Just before beginning this post I was searching up quotes on infatuation vs love.  There were many good ones, I'll even add one, but the quote that struck me the most was what I put above.  A lot of the quotes focused on the completely different nature of infatuation vs love, but I think that it is important to keep some of that fire from the infatuation stage and have it stick with you long after the infatuation has worn off and a real bond has formed.

I don't just want someone who sees my faults and accepts them, I want someone who sees all my faults and still desires me.  Is that too much to ask? In the mean time, I am not too concerned if its lust or love, I am happy, I am enjoying life and the times I am having with the EMT.  That is enough for me just now.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Someone Broke Into My House!

So what do you do when you come home to flowers on your pillow?

Well I don't know about you, my first thought was "Crap someone walked this far into my house and saw all my mess!"  I'm a few days behind on my cleaning to say the least... I'm one of those clean like mad 5 minuted before company arrives kind of people and there hadn't been any company in a while...

So after I got over the shock that someone not only opened my door and saw what a mess my house was, but walked all the way into my bedroom and saw my even bigger mess, I started thinking: "I should really start locking my doors.."

and finally my third thought after walking in and seeing flowers on my pillow "Wow, I am feeling pretty lucky right now."

I think Mr EMT might have to stick around a while longer.

As a little side note: Asher's first thought when he saw flowers on my pillow was "Ohhhh that means (MR EMT) wants to marry you"

So now I know what to worry about when Mr Asher starts buying a girl flowers.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Relax: Stop Over Thinking Things

So in my last post I was all caught up in feeling insecure in my new relationship.  I cannot wait to get past this stage cause it seriously stresses me out.  I don't know why I can't just sit back and enjoy the carefree-ness of dating.  Isn't this supposed to be the best part of a relationship, or at least the most fun? I hope not cause if it is I am totally ruining the experience with all my insecurities.

So my last post, Ignore it,  I had Nothing to worry about, as usual.  You think I would learn to sit back and just let things happen and stop obsessing over every little thing' but clearly that is easier said than done.  There have been multiple incidents where the EMT would say smiting to me to give me a heads up, and I would go off the deep end in resentment ant panic, only for it to be no big deal, an nothing to worry about, this was no different.

Everything turned out great.  In the end he came over and went out for dinner with Asher and I (a first), we hit up our favorite ice cream store, and headed back for an evening of hockey.  I'm not the biggest hockey fan ever, well I wouldn't actually call myself a fan at all, but I actually don't mind watching it, cause the company is pretty stellar.  He stayed the night and had a short visit int he morning before I had to head off for my dentist appointment, and all was good.

Nothing to worry about.  In the end I don't really have to question how high I am on the priority list, because right now what we are doing, and how often we are seeing each other is enough.  Sure i could always wish for more, but really I think there is a good balance between getting enough time for Asher, to study, and to see him.  Unfortunately, because I have no boundaries, he will have go continue to decide how often we get together, but for now, I am quite content.

I just need to keep reminding myself to breathe.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Dating Question: When Should You be Someone's Priority?

So I wanted to post the above quote to my facebook page. I actually wanted to post it on my facebook page so bad that I went and searched the web, because it came to mind after a conversation, and I wanted someone to know how they made me feel.  Of course being a typical Gen Y, I couldn't just out right tell them: "It makes me feel like crap that seeing me isn't very high on your list of priorities...." So I was going to casually post it to my wall.  Thankfully my brain kicked in, and was like "What the heck are you gonna say when that person confronts you about that quote?"  My only thought "Uhhh"

The truth is that my feelings got hurt because I want to see The EMT on his very few and far between days off and it looks pretty unlikely this week.  I try to visit him at his place whenever it suits, because when he's working he has to stay near the hospital. I don't mind doing that, I'm happy to see him when ever, where ever (Typical girl: head over heels way too soon), but honestly that's not enough for me.  I want to feel like I am wanted and not just a thing of convenience.  Of course h i's happy to have me over a couple times a week, but why wouldn't he be, he doesn't have to do anything except stay at home, which he was doing anyway, accept the company, and have sex.  Pretty good deal for him I'd say, am I right?

Is it so unreasonable that I want him to come see me on one of his days off? Is it so outrageous to want to be important enough to make actual plans with?  To be honest I have no idea, this is why I Hate dating so much.  I get sick of feeling so unsure and so insecure all the time.  Seriously, I need to know, at what point should I expect to fall on the priority list? It is such a complicated question,  I can't even be mad at him for not putting me on there yet.

We have been "Seeing each other" for about 2 months.  I think he has stayed here maybe 5 or 6 times on his one night that he has completely off. We have also gone out a couple times on his days off: 4 sets of days off ago we even spent most of both days together which was a great time, but sadly seems like a completely one off thing.  The last 2 sets of days off I haven't even seen him at all though to be fair, the first he was at a training course a few hours away, but the next days that he was off, he was just too busy and never made any attempt to make any time for me, so that kinda hurt.  I am an attention whore, a fact I am deeply aware of, but I honestly don't think I am That out of line for being hurt.  Now here he is about to have days off again, and his days off completely line up with mine,..Something we discussed last week.

So I get a text asking what my plans are, and get way too excited thinking "Yay, he's coming for a sleep over" or "Yay we get to go out" Or really "Yay we are actually making plans" and after I lay out my plans that really aren't that much, the response I get is less than exciting:

"Well I might have to farm tomorrow, but I don't know what time I will be done, so I don't want to make plans depending on how long of a day tomorrow is.  Maybe hang out depending how things go tomorrow."

I was pretty disappointed to say the least.  My first reaction was to send off a response of "Well don't fricken bother then if its so much trouble" but of course I have finally grown up enough to stop myself from sending relationship suicide notes like that. My dilemma is: Do I even have a right to be hurt by this?

In his defence I see the points of:

  • We've only been "seeing each other" for less than 2 months of course I am not a priority yet, be patient
  • He's got family commitments, that's not a bad thing, its good that he helps out his family 
  • I should be appreciative that he takes the time to give me a heads up letting me either make other plans or at least know that its not 100% that I will see him instead of not even considering me at all
  • I should be happy that he is even thinking about making plans with me, cause he does only get 48 hours out of every 6 days where he can get away from his house.
  • and its not like he is out spending time with other's over me, so I must be falling somewhere on that priority list and should be content with that.
On the other hand I feel like:
  • If it was me I would make every effort to see him, regardless of my day, heck I would even tell my family or whomever I was working with (Since its helping them out) that since its one of my few days off, I wanted off for the evening to spend it with the person I am dating or some time off (it is a day off for a reason), but that's probably part of me being a boy crazy female
  • I've only seen him twice in over 2 weeks because between the course he was gone away for and him being busy on his last days off, there really hasn't been time. 
  • Its been 3 sets of days off since we spent the night together, that's a long time when you're in a new relationship, and its something we can only do on his night off cause I have Asher at home. 
  • It makes me feel like I am not important at all when I don't see him, but then we are back to: should I expect to be important at this point or is it too early?
Regardless, the fact still remains that I really want to see him, and I am starting to worry about how mutual that feeling is. That's a shitty place to be. I really don't think that he has done anything wrong by letting me know ahead of time how his days off are gonna work, it just kinda sucks from my side of things. Unfortunately for me, I don't even really feel like I have a right to be upset. I am not even his girlfriend at this point (reason # 6 million why Dating sucks! When does fricken girlfriend status kick in anyway)

Thanks for reading my vent.  Feel free to add any comments or advice, clearly I am in great NEED!

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