Sunday, November 30, 2014

Its Beginning to look a lot like.....

I finally got off my bum and pulled out the Christmas tree.  Now that it is up, i have no idea why I was dreading pulling it out. I always put it off thinking that it will be so much work.  It really wasn't.  The putting it down is a lot of work, but for now we can sit back and enjoy the lovely christmassy atmosphere it provides.  
Asher and I spent the afternoon decorating our tree and listening to Christmas music.  I'm normally not a Christmas music person, but we found a playlist that was the music to classic Christmas tunes, with no tone deaf kids singing too it, so we sang when when knew the words, and just enjoyed the music to the ones we didn't.

It was a beautiful afternoon spent together.  I'm finally in the Christmas spirit (sorta).  

Have you decorated your tree yet?

Friday, November 28, 2014

Letting Go of the Anger

If you read my last post you know that I am working on letting go of a few things.  I realized that I need to let go of my perceptions of how people look at me and my life, I need to live my life based on what I need, want or like, and not worry about others reactions, cause they really don't care.  I have also realised I need to let go of my Anger.

I have a lot of it, and to make it even more powerful, it usually lives with its best friend resentment.   I have let my Anger control me in numerous relationships, and although I have a lot of areas that I need to work on with regards to that, i have decided where I need to start.

A few weeks ago, my son's Dad was here to spend the weekend with him.  He brought him to his hockey games, and of course even though I avoided him as much as I could, when we did come near one another, I was mean and hostile.  I gave him shit for things I thought he should have done, or things I felt he should have done differently.  Sometimes I feel like he is purposely trying to make me crazy, and it is possible that he is, but honestly that's a pretty narcissistic way of looking at things.

When I know that he is on his way to meet us, my blood begins to boil.  I get an adrenaline rush (and not a good one) when I see him enter the room.  I am thinking up things to get mad about before he even arrives. It usually comes down to: he's not as early as I would have been, or rather he's predictably late for everything. That day I was mad because he had Asher play hockey in jeans when he has long johns in his bag.  Then he won't help Asher undress so Asher comes and finds me to ask me to do it (which I did not). I probably thought of a million things to be annoyed with him about.  From the way he dresses, grooms himself, to his stupid new truck for his business (lol), it doesn't take much.

We've been separated almost as long as we were married, surely its time to put down the sword.  He's offered many times to have a truce, but I coudn't so I continued to hate.  I'm finally trying to step back, tuck away my narcissistic thoughts about how everything he does that I don't like its about annoying me, and let go.  The dumbest thing about it is, those things that I have thought he was doing just to piss me off, are things that he has always done, they are just part of his character, things that have always annoyed me.  For some reason I let them have more venom after we separated.

So although there are a million things about him that get on my nerves, I am going to try and remind myself that it is not personal, I am going to do my best to let go of my anger, and be a better person.  I think this will make all 3 of us happier.  For years he has talked about us trying to be friends, and although I don't think I am ready for that, I am ready to stop feeling like we are enemies.

So here's to letting go of the Anger, the resentment and the hostility.  Here's to a more peaceful future for Asher, his Dad and Myself, after all we were once a family, and as Asher's parents we will always be in and out of each other's lives.  I guess that's the 1 part of our vows we can't excape:
"for better or for worse".

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Why I Need to Stop Caring

If you asked anyone who I work with or know casually, they would probably tell you that I don't care what other's think, that I do what whatever I think is right or best and don't look back.  I've become pretty good at faking a tough exterior, I have done most of my life.  Maybe I am wrong, but I think that there are very few people who know how sensitive, insecure, and unhappy I feel inside.  In the end it dones't matter or not if they know it, because I do.  I want to be happier, and I have been reflecting on my life and how I have been living it,and deciding what I need to do to make things better. Then I stumbled upon a blog post called 10 Habits to Give Up if You Want to be Happy, and realised that I had a lot of things I needed to let go of.  

I've tried to write a few posts lately on things I needed to change and letting go.  It started off with a post about letting go of other peoples ideas of how I should live, but as I was typing that, I realised that the reality is that the idea I had of how people thought I should live, was actually my perception of what people's ideas were, and likely not realistic because the reality is: most don't actually care.  From there I started looking at all the choices and decisions I have made in my life based on other people and what I hoped I would gain from them, and that many of those decisions not only did not make me any happier, but had no effect on others either.

That may sound a little cryptic so here's a perfect and recent example:  When Mark and I broke up last year I had a really hard time finding a house to rent.  There weren't a lot of options, and I was really picky about what I wanted. I ended up renting a house that I could not afford, and for all the wrong reasons. In my mind my reasons to rent this house were: its a nice place, its a respectable place to live, not too trashy, space for family to stay.. etc. Looking back the reason those things were important to me, was completely to do with others. First maybe Mark would still find me attractive and want me back; he would see I was okay without him, that I was successful on my own, and would want to be with me again. Next maybe my family would want to come and visit me more.  This would be for a couple reasons one being that because I was living in my Dad's home town, and since just coming to see me never seemed like enough, maybe coming to visit me, while also being able to visit his old friends would make the trip more appealing to him.  Secondly my mom had made comments before about not feeling comfortable visiting me in Marks house because it was his house not mine, so this new place should be better shouldn't it? On top of that my sister lives hours away, so since I made sure I had enough space for her and all her kids to visit, and no grumpy man raining on our parade, surely she would come stay with me more. When I look deeper into why I made my choices, it all seems rather pathetic, and manipulative.

The sad reality was none of that happened.  The size, the location, the look,... etc of the house didn't matter.  It didn't change how anyone felt towards me or change their desire to spend time with me; it didn't control any ones behavior, which upon further analysis when I look back was my underlying motive.  Instead I was alone, in a big empty house, working casually, and unsure if I would be able to make my rent payments.  

It was a bad decision, one that thankfully a few months later I was able to get out of, but recent events have shed light on the fact that I have made my decisions for my life and how I live it in this way over and over, and I am still not happy.  So like I said in the beginning I need to stop caring.  I need to stop focusing on "If I do this, will other people do that?" Its human nature to care about what other people think of you, its natural to want to be liked and cared for. I don't want to stop caring completely, but I want to work on not letting it limit me and what I want for my life, and I have noticed that that's what has been happening.  From not dating a guy I like because of what other's think, to not moving somewhere I may be happier because people might not understand and judge me,  I need to start making my choices more about what is best for me.  

This Article that popped up on my facebook is what really got me thinking.  
Check it out: 

It also reminded me why blogging is so important, why sharing what you've learned or how you feel can help someone else. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Why I Blog

I was sitting here writing a very deep and personal blog post, when I had an epiphany.  Through writing my feelings and about my current internal struggle, I found great incite into why I am struggling to be happy in my life.  I am so grateful for this blog.  I know I haven't been using it to its full potential lately.  I have been fighting my personal demons, and have forgotten that through sharing those battles, I can help myself and others.  I'm ready to share more.  See you soon.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Busy Busy Back to School

Its been a busy week; Asher started back at school, and I worked two night shifts on top of my regular day shifts.

So far Asher seems to be liking school, as much as  he will admit with his contrary attitude.  He seems like like his teacher, which is an educated guess based on the fact that he hasn't said anything bad about her, or the class yet.  Its a bit embarrassing to admit, but this is rare for him, last year he complained about everything for months.  He didn't like his teacher, his class, his school.... everything he said was negative, so the neutrality of this year is a relief.  His teacher last year was phenomenal, and by the end of the year he was actually liking school, the class, and her.  This years teacher seems very nice too.  I can't wait to see how the year goes.

The night shifts were a bit of a struggle, because of the staying up part.  The shifts themselves were quiet, and a really nice change of pace, though it is intimidating being the only nurse on duty. My pay cheque will thank me.  On that note, I received a very welcome phone call from the Manager of Day Surgery (a unit I was working on after graduating).  I thought that I had lost the casual position because I hadn't picked up in so long, but it turned out that they just haven't been busy.  She called to book me into some shifts, so naturally, I was absolutely thrilled!  It was however odd timing, when she phone I was working on updating my resume, and changing the wording from present to past tense regarding my position there. Coincidence?

Anyway, Life is good, as you can always tell when I neglect my blog.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Working Over Time

I have a part time position, and because of that I rarely work enough to get much overtime.  I always get a few hours here and there for staying over my shift to help out, but I have never worked enough hours to get a full 12 hour shift paid as OT.  Tomorrow I will get that shift, and to be honest I am exhausted.

Last week was super stressful because we were short a nurse for 2 shifts in a row, I had a client stroke, and I was working extra hours.  I did get two days off after that, but it really wasn't enough.  It sounds so funny to whine about over time, but I am finding the extra hours really make coping so much harder.  Probably does not help that Asher is away, so I am already a little off my game.

I am so not ready for tomorrow, but I will go, I will preform my duties, and I will rock it.  In the mean time, I am just gonna vegetate on my couch, dreading the coming day.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Single Mom's Do It All!

But do they do it well?

In most cases my Answer would be "Hell YEAH!"

I mean take a look at what I have done this last week:

  1. Bought and put together a shed in my backyard for stuff like my Lawn mower and gardening tools
  2. Unloaded and installed my second hand portable dishwasher (by that I mean got it out of my car and in the house Solo and went to the hardware store and got the adapter for my faucet to link up to it)
  3. Bought a Washer and Dryer set no help from a spouse needed (always worried I'd never be able to make big purchases alone. 
And all that was done while working 80 hours for the week, including a night shift, taking care of my 7 year old, and unpacking my house (we just moved).  GO ME!

Unfortunately I learned this week there are some things that I would normally get my ex-husband or ex-fiance to do, that I would have never attempted on my own, and apparently that is for good reason.

So that washing machine I bought, was delivered today.  The delivery guys can't help with the install because of liability if your laundry room floods.  So I hooked it up myself.  Super easy because the last tenants left their hoses for me.    It took all of ten seconds to hook up.  Once the delivery guys were out of my hair, I grabbed my first load of Laundry and was off to the races.  I carefully checked the hoses once the washer started, made sure thy were not leaking.  Everything seemed good, so I decided to have a post work nap.  As I was resting something hit me... I hooked up the water hoses, hot and cold, but how was the water supposed to get out?  I hadn't thought of that....

Of course once I pulled out the box that was sitting inside my machine before I used it, and looked in, therer was my drain hose, which I had assumed was just a shitty water hose, and instructions about attaching it to the bottom of the washer.  I was surprised my laundry room had not yet flooded.  Thought I was gonna get off easy.  Yeah that was a funny thought looking back now.

It was clear by the limited space in my laundry room, that now that the dryer was in the room, there was no way for me to get behind the washer, so I assisted Asher over the dryer and behind the washer to solve our problem.  so he pulled off the cap plugging the back of the machine and the flood I had already anticipated, and thought I had avoided, took full revenge.  To make things even better, Asher was not strong enough to squeeze the hose clamp and attach it, even with pliers.  So fat old me had to climb on my dryer, and squish behind my washer and get it attached, as water continued to flow out.  I managed, and somehow got myself out of there (Even I was amazed at my agility) and in the end, I pulled it off.

Washer installed.  It may not have been a pretty process, and it may have been a learning curve, but I did it.  SOLO! Everyday there are new challenges, tasks I would have asked my boyfriend or man to do, but I am gaining confidence in myself.

I am a strong, independent, and capable woman.  My favorite hashtag today off of instagram has been #singlemomsdoitall

And they do.  It may not always be prefect, and the house may not always be clean but we do it, all of it.  The lawn mowing, the shed building, the appliance delivering and installing, the child care, supper cooking, and the laundry, all while paying the bills..... I can do anything I put my mind to, so can you!  Single Moms Rock!
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