Like I said before, Dating sucks. I feel exposed and insecure all the time. I feel like every decision I make, or everything that I do is under the microscope. Likely I am way over thinking things, like usual, but What if I am not.
I have a lot of what-ifs in my mind right now. I'm worried I made a huge mistake telling people I was dating someone. I'm worried its going to die out, and I'm gonna have to admit to yet another relationship failure. I guess my biggest worry, is what if this is going no where. What if I invest all this time, and energy into something and it fails again...
I walked into this knowing that he wasn't ready for something epic. I knew that he is still dealing with the end of his last long term relationship. I knew, but I guess I thought that because I had no trouble moving on from my ending marriage, that it wouldn't be much different. I forgot how long it took me to get my feet back under me after the breakdown of my relationship with Mark, oh yeah, and that everyone is different and deals with things differently, that's always important to remember too.
Then I get frustrated thinking that if he isn't ready for a real relationship, why the hell is he dating? I get that being lonely sucks, and maybe its because I don't know how to date without a purpose, but why date someone if you don't want anything real? If you just want company, there is a different term for that, and I for one, and not the kind of person that can do or be that for anyone. We have had that talk. The I have no interest in being someones "booty call" or "F**k Buddy" talk. He agreed that he wasn't interested in that either, but that doesn't leave me feeling any better.
Maybe I am the kind of person that needs a definition for everything. Actually, I Am that kind of person. I thought I could date someone and be totally okay with not being serious, but I'm starting to think that is not possible. I don't know how to date without a purpose. I don't know how to not invest myself completely in someone. Part of that is because of who I choose to date. I have never considered going on a date with someone who I don't see as a long term prospect. Maybe that's my problem. Insecurity Alert: What if he does, date people just because they are there, and not even considering if they are worthy of anything long term.....
I have to be extremely choosy in who I date. Not only do I have very limited time to spend dating, so why would I waste it on someone who isn't top quality, but I have a child. As much as I would love for Asher to stay completely uninvolved, its just not possible. I have him almost 100% of the time. I have to get babysitters, and I can't do that All the time, so sometimes people I date have to come over if we are gonna spend more than 1 evening a week together, and that means risk of meeting Asher. That's why I can't just let anyone into my life. I guess that's also why I am incapable of dating casually.
I have hardly dated because of how high my standards are, how high they have to be. Even without Asher, it really wouldn't be any different. I am not a celibacy before marriage kind of person, so dating someone to me, means that at some point I am going to consider sleeping with them, which to me always follows with the thought that at some point I going to risk pregnancy with this person. That is a fear I have no matter how many forms of birth control are being used, so don't mistake it for me being irresponsible, because there is Always a risk no matter how safe you are. So how do you date casually, when you would only date someone that you would consider sleeping with, and you would only sleep with someone if you think they May be worth the risk of getting pregnant? You don't.
So there it is, my issue all layed out. I can't date without being serious, but he can. So here I sit, completely insecure, worried that things are going no where and I am going to end up disappointed and alone, Again. Yet the reason I am still sitting here, risking getting hurt for the potential of something great, is because I wouldn't waste my time on anyone who wasn't pretty great to begin with. Like I keep saying, Dating Sucks.